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標題: 有人可以幫我修改一下嗎 [打印本頁]
作者: qoojuice562000    時間: 2012-11-3 02:45 PM     標題: 有人可以幫我修改一下嗎

本帖最後由 qoojuice562000 於 2012-11-4 01:50 PM 編輯

因為我是用中文的思考模式，所以好多地方感覺怪怪的。有可以可以幫我做個修正嗎？謝謝
I was born in the country,  XXXXXX  , where the villagers full of warmness and friendliness and always help each other when in difficulties.My mother and sister passed away because of car accident.Now my family members are my father ,an older brother and I. My father puts a lot of emphasis on our education of ethics.He instills us values of ethics as well as how to get along with people in everyday life, which has been etched in my mind since I was young, becoming an important base of developing my character after years.Although I am a person of few words, I possess personalities of passion and patience.  Besides, I am a down-to-earth person who has his feet on the ground.
My grades was intermediate during academic years.I majored in  xxxxxxx.To accumulate more social experiences, I took part-time jobs during summer and winter vacations.Some of my part-time jobs are service industries. With these part-time jobs experiences, I even know about how this multicultural society is working. What's more; not only have I improved the ability of interacting with people but also learned how to deal with things and solve problems. Thanks to these part-time jobs, I learned many valuable experiences.
I work with serious and responsible attitude uphold the principle.Once the company designates the task to me, I will try my best to work to complete it. I won't ignore the spirit of team work in the company.If there are some questions that I cannot understand, I won't be above asking. By working to communicate with co-workers to improve my interpersonal relationship as well as the atmosphere of company, which makes works more efficient.Last but not least, I will keep learning in my spare time.To keep up pace with world, I took languages courses so as to enhance my languages ability, which cultivated the second professional skill.Not only can I mostly understand English and partially Japanese in everyday life, but use English common words to converse with foreigners;however, it needs time to practice Japanese. I hope that I should keep furthering English and Japanese, encouraging myself to get higher level languages certificate in the future.
One of my merits is persistence, I always carry something through to the end because of the merit ,so dose learn languages. I hope that I can contribute to the company in the future with what I have learned.
作者: td00393232    時間: 2012-11-6 02:38 AM

本帖最後由 td00393232 於 2012-11-6 03:34 AM 編輯

I was born in XXXXXX , where the people are very kind and friendly.  They always help each other when facing difficulties. My mother and sister passed away due to a car accident. Now, the people in our family are my father, an older brother, and me. My father puts a lot of emphasis on our education of ethics. He teaches us the importance of being ethical as well as how to get along with people in everyday life, which has been embedded deeply in my mind since I was young and later become an important base of my self-development practice. Although I am not a talkative person, I possess passion and patience (for things and people around).  <Besides, I am a down-to-earth person who has his feet on the ground.>????
My major is xxxxxxx, and I am considered an average student in our class. To obtain more social experience, I took couple of part-time jobs during my summer and winter vacations. Some of my part-time positions were based in service industry. Having had these part-time experiences, I realized how multicultural our society is. Moreover, not only have I improved the ability of interacting with people but also learned how to deal with (various) things and solve problems. I appreciate those who offered me the great part-time opportunities, I learned a lots from them.
<I work with serious and responsible attitude uphold the principle>????. Once the company designates me on a task, I always try my best to work hard and complete it by deadline. I never forget  the spirit of team work in the company. If there are some questions that I do not understand, I always ask. By working with my colleges, I have my interpersonal skill improved, and hence making me more efficient on completing my tasks. Finally, I always learn in my spare time. I take extra language courses to enrich my skill inventory as well as catching up with the current worldwide trend. Not only can I understand English well in everyday life, but apply English to communicate with foreigners.  However, I need time to practice my Japanese. I hope that I can keep improving my English and Japanese proficiency, and encouraging myself to obtain higher level language certificates in the future.
One of my merits is persistence. That’s why I always start from the beginning and work until the end. I will be applying the same concept for learning new languages. I hope that I can make significant contributions to the //company// [SOCIETY, why company...???] in the future with what I am learning.


Comments:
(1)        Try not to make your sentence too long
(2)        Try not to use fancy words you don’t know how to apply; how you elaborate and communicate to your audiances is the key success of a good essay.
(3)        Your grammar is decent, but essay does not make logical sense sometimes. Not easy to understand from a native English speaker’s point of view, you should think like a white guy, read more white books.
(4)        Look into some punctuation conventions, and work on your essay paragraph format

作者: qoojuice562000    時間: 2012-11-6 11:30 PM

td00393232 發表於 2012-11-6 02:38 AM
I was born in XXXXXX , where the people are very kind and friendly.  They always help each other whe ...

I don't know how to show my gratitude to you.But I will accept your advices to improve English.Thank you very much.  
作者: avontube    時間: 2012-11-6 11:58 PM

Just some more minor additions:

"I was born in XXXXXX , where the people are very kind and friendly.  They always help one another when facing difficulties. My mother and sister passed away in a car accident. Now, the people in our family are my father, an elder brother and me. My father places a lot of emphasis on our moral ethics. He teaches us the importance of being ethical as well as how to get along with people in everyday's life, which has been embedded deeply in my mind since I was young and later become an important base of my self-development practice (? not sure about this). Although I am not a talkative person, I possess passion and patience (for things and people around).  (logically, talkative persons can be passionate)

My major is xxxxxxx, and I am considered as an average student in our class. To learn more social experience, I took couple of part-time jobs during my summer and winter vacations. Several of my part-time works were based in service industry. Having had these work experiences, I realized how multicultural our society is. Moreover, not only have I improved the ability of interacting with people but also learned how to deal with (various) things and solve problems. I appreciate those who offered me the great opportunities, I learned a lots from them.

Once the company designates me on a task, I always try my best to work hard and complete it by its deadline. I never forget  the spirit of team work in the company. If there are some questions that I do not understand, I always ask. By working with my colleagues, I have my interpersonal skill improved, and hence making me more efficient on completing my tasks. Finally, I always learn in my spare time. I take extra language courses to enrich my skill inventory as well as catching up with the current worldwide trend. Not only can I understand English well in everyday's life, but use English to communicate with foreigners. (apply knowledge, use English) However, I need time to practice my Japanese. I hope that I can keep improving my English and Japanese proficiency, and encouraging myself to obtain higher level language certificates in the future.

One of my merits is persistence. That’s why I always start from the beginning and work until the end. I will apply the same concept for learning new languages. I hope that I can make significant contributions to the //company// [SOCIETY, why company...???] in the future with what I have learned.
"

作者: td00393232    時間: 2012-11-7 06:32 AM

avontube 發表於 2012-11-6 11:58 PM
Just some more minor additions:

"I was born in XXXXXX , where the people are very kind and friendly ...

i don't see how most of what you adjusted is necessary, but good work.
作者: qoojuice562000    時間: 2012-11-7 01:10 PM

avontube 發表於 2012-11-6 11:58 PM
Just some more minor additions:

"I was born in XXXXXX , where the people are very kind and friendly ...

Many thanks. It's very kind of you two make adjustments for me.Appreciate you from the bottom of my heart.
作者: avontube    時間: 2012-11-8 12:39 AM

本帖最後由 avontube 於 2012-11-8 12:47 AM 編輯
td00393232 發表於 2012-11-7 06:32 AM
i don't see how most of what you adjusted is necessary, but good work.

Well, some minor things, such as "each other" to "one another", "older brother" to "elder brother", etc. need to be amended.  Overall, it is ok to rest it.
作者: avontube    時間: 2012-11-8 12:47 AM

qoojuice562000 發表於 2012-11-7 01:10 PM
Many thanks. It's very kind of you two make adjustments for me.Appreciate you from the bottom of m ...

You are welcome.  Writing skill is the most difficult part to achieve in language learning. I do not mean to write some simple things, but good articles with usage of proper English words to address all the scenarios in a realistic and impressive manner.

Reading a lot of novels can help to learn how to describe certain things, places, situations in a particular, but better way.  

Keep it up.
作者: lct    時間: 2015-3-18 09:51 PM

英文要學好，真的要下功夫、持之以恒



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